Tuesday, March 9, 2010

21 Weeks

My parents got Joe and me a wonderful book to read on our new journey - Someone Else to Love by Susan Polis Schutz.

Page 59 - I Am A Prisoner.
While this page doesn't really reflect how I am now, it does echo what I am feeling. There is a sudden rush of overwhelming anxiety and distress lately, like when I first hit adolescence. Suddenly everything is new, I became very conscious of myself, and I am so guilty, scared and embarrassed about everything I just want to hide away.

Why do I do that? I don't know. I guess I just feel fragile. I am no longer allowed to be who I was (page 25 reflects this so well). I became more conscious about environmental and personal hygiene, because it's not for me (the one thing I don't mind at all). Every now and then, new sensations pop up and I get freaked out so easily by it.

I am no longer in control of myself. I have to let go of so many things, especially whom I could have been. She will never be back. I will miss her. I am angry.

I don't like feeling this way.

But a good friend of mine told me, "The best things never come easy."

I am humbled, and I am happy.

*picture/scan was taken 3 weeks ago.