Friday, September 18, 2015

The road bump at Depression Street

As a kid, I always turn to drawing as a means of mental peace and solitude, especially to silence the negative clutter in my mind (I was never good in letting people hear my troubles, as it has been used to hurt me so I always bottle them up). Rifling through my sketches without my consent would've been a violation of my personal space, because they were a secret world of my own.

Flash forward a couple of decades, I managed to discard the selfish need to keep my drawings to myself so can continue to draw for a living. Alhamdulillah, I got over the fear of talking to people so I can learn to trust them. I learned how to socialise, I learned how to speak better, I learned how to say "no", I learned how to ask, I learned how to study better, and I learned how to be brave in trying and actually live.

I should be thankful and happy for achieving my current standing in life. I have people who love and care about me, I can sleep in a peaceful room, I turned my hobby into a career, my body is fully functioning, I can eat and feed... I have enough, so I can give. I am not a world class artist nor a very wealthy or a high positioned one at that, but I would like to think that I have amassed years knowledge and skills that my younger, greedy self would have been envious of. But despite that, I really do miss the freedom flowing through my fingertips that usually comes with a calm state. I know why - I have not been drawing for myself for so long.

This time, my mental obstruction has grown into a very noisy occupant, a hoarder at that and one who is not easy to vacate. We are a part of each other, so no amount of therapy or distractions can remove it completely. There have been times I tried to pick up my pencil or stylus, but each time, it never fails to remind me of what's the point of doing things.

True, earning your living as a creative inclined individual is not a glamorous one. There are many humiliating heartaches and disappointments to hurdle through, not to mention the many sacrifices you have to make before you can safely say, "I made it" and then maintain it. But always, always, this occupant of mine would start to whisper, "is it really worth it?", "should you be satisfied with just that?", "look what patience has brought you" or "are you deserving of this?".

There will always be lost opportunities when a decision is made. I do try to stick to my guns, but at times I do wonder if I have not been pushing hard or made my thoughts loud enough. I am easily demotivated when the reality of negative situations accumulate too much. I have drowned too many times in the sea of systems - I have kicked desperately for air, only to be dragged to the bottom again. Too many times, I really do want it all to stop. I just do not want to feel that way anymore. The pull for permanent resignation from drawing or withdraw from the world in general is just too tempting.

I am not a very good Muslim, but I do have love for the religion and I strongly believe in a higher power. But I also believe that no prayer will come through without any effort on my part. I have tried to talk to a few people about it, but it usually gets misunderstood for a rant (or I back out quickly in fear of exhausting the only few people I trust) so nothing really gets solved. Even if they do present a means to end it, it usually does not agree to my current and actual situation (no matter how many simulations I have tried to run through my mind to make it 'work'). In the end, it only becomes a vicious cycle of self-loathing and resentment, and that is how my tenant was fed too much to the point it became too heavy to go and take a vacation.

I still have some love for drawing. I know it is there. I miss it. I need to fix this somehow, but I can only do it on my own. Perhaps why I am finally writing this out is to let people know what I am going through, and maybe hear their own struggles and success in accepting/coexisting with it. I guess I just need to weather these frustrations and be patient once more, so that maybe one day it will finally let me draw again.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year

A small contribution to Rimba Racer's 2014 Christmas greeting, edited by Nasrul Hakim (thanks, man!). It's been quite a year as a storyboard artist for Glue Studios, and this animated series is finally going to be screened on the 10th of January 2015, 5pm on TV3 (only in Malaysia for now).

The full image can be found on either Glue Studio or Rimba Racer Facebook pages.

Wishing you all a meaningful year ahead in 2015!

Saturday, December 6, 2014

The Sandwich


Sad attempt at Wonder Woman.


Friday, December 5, 2014


Shuffling Along

A quick doodle done in Toon Boom Storyboard Pro. I'm not entirely sure what I must be thinking at that time.